I thought it was past time that I posted a blog again. But what about? Theology, philosophy, logic, religion? About how Terry Pratchett preaches his atheism through in his Discworld series but at least his logic seems consistent?

Or about relationships; personal development; or just me? About how people are naturally self-focussed and not to worry about what they think of you? About how I’ve started to decrease my level of medication and that though this may give the depression a stronger chance to take control, it could be beneficial because it will force me to deal with the underlying psychological issues?

The same topics come up in different guises, and I don’t know what else I can say that I’ve not already said in some post or another.

Maybe I’ll mention that last Monday I guy I knew from dancing died. He was eight years younger than me, and had a congential heart problem that I don’t think anyone knew about except for his family and work. He was a guy everyone liked, perhaps because he enjoyed his life and lived it to the full, which is something I can’t say, because I’m too self-focussed, living in reponse to how I think people are thinking about me – and usually I’m wrong, as I came to see again last night.

Several people started a new swing dance school and had their launch party last night. I’ve been dancing longer than any of them – just over 10 years – but they’ve all been teaching dance. And last night they mentioned that one of their new teachers would be a girl who’s been dancing for about a year. Don’t worry about asking me, someone who’s been dancing for over a decade. Also, many of the best swing dancers have dancing partners and are in their mid-twenties or early thirties, and go into competitions and do complex moves and aerials. Since my first dance partner left for Europe in late 2001 I’ve not been able to find another one. There have been a couple of times I’ve practised with followers on a regular basis but these were only for a month or so, usually because they left for another state or country.

So you can understand why I was feeling a little snotty and self-pitying. A couple of people noticed I was looking glum: one thought it was because of our dead friend – who I very much doubt was a Christian, just like the rest of the swing dance community, I had been thinking, and wondering why I didn’t feel the grief and sorrow I thought I should. But I told a friend what I was thinking, and her response was that I took things too seriously: I thought too much; when swing is meant to be fun.

Without going into the specifics I had to admit the truth of this. But that’s who I am: I can’t enjoy doing something if I think I’m doing it badly. It’s because – read the last part of the fourth paragraph. So this is something I’ll have to overcome.

The problem is I see who I should be and who I want to be, but have to get there. It’s like overcoming depression: a long, slow, struggle. Have to start with small tasks and continue until they become habit, and those habits become part of my personality and character.

The place to start would be, I suppose, speaking my mind more openly and worry less about being accepted and liked. Strange; many people don’t consider that as a problem, or as a trait they have to struggle to perform, but they have their own problems to overcome; whether or not they see that is another issue; but not mine.

So I have to start being more like a rock and less like water. In this struggle, I see I’m probably going to have to apologise a lot more. In the past, when I’ve tried to be more outgoing or bold, I’ve ended up going too far and unintentionally offending someone. *sigh*.

So in the future, trying to appear less serious and more of a thermostat than a thermometer, I can look forward to (1) expressing my thoughts more openly; (2) apologising more often for overstepping boundaries; (3) therefore looking like a thoughtless, heartless, misogynistic WASP male – and having to accept the abuse, otherwise those who accuse me will just see any other response as more evidence for their accusation; and (4) changing my social circle.

As long as I can look at myself in the mirror, with something like self-respect for once. I’ll let you know if that happens.

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