Last evening found me eating fish and chips with friends. This was unusual, as I normally use my fingers. But the meal was appropriate for the film we watched, whose existence can only be explained by a dare.

Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus was released in 2009. If it was made fifty years ago, which one would expect from the prosaic title, then it wasn’t buried deep enough. The only place it should have been released was Pamplona, during the second week of July.

It is categorised as “romance”; an inexplicable choice as the romance comprises one kiss and one instance of implied sex. Otherwise, the passion between the characters was as intense as a used teabag.

MSvGO is the cellulouid offspring of The Asylum, a group who avoids infringing copyright by pre-empting the release of one film with their own variation: Snakes on a Train, Transmorphers, 30,000 Leagues under the Sea and so on ad nauseam, which occurs about five minutes after the opening credits. I never saw so much material for riffing since The Room: I needed my DU MST coterie to help me; my mouth couldn’t work fast enough.

The premise of this flaccid action flimflam is that the eponymous antagonists had been frozen in a glacier in times prehistoric, and were brought back to us courtesy of global warming.

The two wreak destruction on all they encounter, including the Golden Gate bridge –

Don't worry, he's just flossing

– an oil rig –

Squeeze me - not that tight

– and a submarine.

It isn’t the USS Automotive Aerial’s day; first worried by a mega shark...

and then given an Indian burn by a giant octopus trying to unscrew the cap.

However, the weight of this televisual load broke the sagging suspension of my disbelief when the megalodon (although even the largest of the species was never this big) jumped out of the water to take a bite at a cruising airliner.

He really goes for tinned food.

After several failed attempts to stop the beasts, the humans decide to get the shark and octopus to fight each other in the hope that they would both kill each other. To do this they synthesised pheromones: Aquatic Nooky No. 5. Both shark and octopus, suffering from enforced abstinence for 50 million years, respond as anyone would: full steam ahead, steaming. They meet, realise that the movie will sink their careers faster than you can say “theatre restaurant”, and carry out a mutual murder-suicide pact, only stopping to give a thorough walloping to the cast. Unhappily the walloping was not fatal, and so leaves room for a sequel. For my money (none of which I parted with, I’m happy to say), there’s plenty of room for this movie and a sequel right beside the Titanic.

The dialogue was stilted and clichéd; the acting failed to make me will suspension of anything except the film; the setting oscillated between Leighton beach, the producer’s swimming pool and a sound stage the size of a short corridor; the props were evidently purchased from a $2 shop; and the CGI effects made the dragon-in-corridor scenes in Dragon Fighter seem the acme of the art (actually there was only one such scene, but they used it a lot).

Check out imdb for other gaffes that make Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus the cinematic damp firecracker that it is.

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