I’ve not posted for a while – see the previous post – but though I’m much better, thanks to family and friends, I’m busy writing articles and other pre-publication bits. So I posted this to keep you entertained, or something like it. It’s the copy of the segway speeches I gave as MC at a wedding last year.

Introduction and welcome.

Ladies and gentlemen – Hello. I am Troy Grisgonelle, your MC for this evening. On behalf of our hosts, I welcome you to the April meeting of Control Addicts Anonymous.

(Someone says: “It’s a wedding reception!”)
Not anymore it isn’t.

But yes, we have all been invited here to celebrate the wedding of our friends, Mr and Mrs DiCastro the younger.

Anyway, enough of these inane pleasantries. Before we go any further, there are some things you need to know: the ladies’ and gents’ toilets are [location of toilets]. And please respect the other guests: don’t scratch yourself, dance on the tables, eat with your mouth open or chat up the service staff [look at B+M] … or was that just for me? Oh well then, I guess you’re all free to go nuts.

This is how the evening will proceed: Pastor Pat Roast will say grace. Then after a meal of surpassing excellence will be the speeches, then the cutting of the wedding cake and the bridal waltz, and then dessert.

Now many of us have friends at other tables, so feel free to mingle with each other between the courses. But of course there are people we won’t know, so here are some conversation starters you might use. Guys, you can talk about the football, your favourite muscle car, or how much of the alphabet you can belch in one go. And ladies, you can talk about what you thought about Sally leaving Summer Bay in Home and Away, or how lovely the bridal party looks with their dresses and shoes and what they’ve done with their hair, or how a girl might actually win The Biggest Loser this time.

On the other hand, if you need to get away for some reason, you may need some conversation stoppers. For the guys, you can talk about what you thought about Sally leaving Summer Bay in Home and Away, or how lovely the bridal party looks with their dresses and shoes and what they’ve done with their hair, or how a girl might actually win The Biggest Loser this time.

And if the person you’re talking to absolutely bores you to tears and you just have to get away from them, you can tell them that Brianna and Martin have a book they’d like you to sign so they can remember how each of you, their friends and family, honoured them by sharing this most special day of their lives. Now there is actually such a book; it’s on the table just inside the front door.

Now I’ll ask Pat Roast, who married Brianna and Martin, to come up and say grace before we eat. I’d love to chat with each and every one of you, but Brianna and Martin have a book they’d like me to sign so they can remember how I honoured them … [Pat to say grace]

Speeches and toasts.
Ladies and gents, now you’re loaded with food and can’t run, it’s time for the speeches, so please start to prepare your glasses! Now it isn’t my job to embarrass the bride and groom: the other speakers will do that. After the toast to the bride and groom, Martin will toast the bridesmaids and Jake will respond. Then we’ll have the speeches from Martin and Brianna’s fathers and telegrams from absent friends. But first …

Toast to bride and groom.
… it is my pleasure to propose the toast to the bride and groom:
Martin and Brianna: May the most you ask for be the least you get; may the saddest day of your future be like the happiest day of your past; and may God always hold you close but never squeeze you too hard.
In other words: to the bride and groom!

Toast to bridesmaids: Edward DiCastro
And now, to propose to the bridesmaids – to propose the toast to the bridesmaids – is a man who needs no introduction.

Response by best man: Jasper DiCastro
And now, because the bridesmaids are sweet, delicate young things who couldn’t possibly answer for themselves, I present to you the hirsute glory that is Jake DiCastro.

Speech by father of groom: Peter DiCastro

Speech by father of bride: Robert Assonance
At a wedding, the father of the bride gives over to the groom the responsibility of caring for his daughter. It’s also traditional for him to foot the bill for the wedding. Even if that weren’t so, Brianna’s father is a former athlete in swimming and rugby; he is also a marksman with a rifle and can hit a 50-centimetre target from a kilometre away over open sights. So he can say whatever he wants.

Unfortunately, due to treatment for cancer Robert can’t be here, but I have the honour to read the speech he prepared earlier.

Reading of telegrams.
Now I shall call on Greg to read out messages from those who couldn’t be here today.

Cutting of the cake.
I’d like you to look underneath your seats and see if you can find anything … I’ll be surprised if you do, because I didn’t put anything there. Now if you’re disappointed, don’t worry: we’re about to have cake! So if the bride and groom will oblige …

(Get someone to say “Don’t touch the bottom!”)
It’s okay, they’re married now.

Bridal waltz
And now, after the cutting of the cake, comes the cutting of the rug – the bridal waltz.
(Then Bridal party; then families; then others.)

Ladies and gentlemen, now it is time for the post-primary-prandial carbohydrate-enhanced comestibles. Dessert is served!