the president of the National Rifle Association calls you a redneck.

your daughter’s boyfriend asks you for her hand in marriage, and you ask him, ‘And how do you expect to protect my daughter?’

magnetic north is located inside your firearms cabinet.

you become sentimental when you heard the numbers ‘7 6 2’.

your child is ten years old before she realises that ‘draw’ means something different in art class.

you buy firearms in pairs, just in case you need a spare.

your nickname is ‘Mr Callaghan’.

you have more firearms than all the countries in north Africa combined.

you have a walk-in gun cabinet.

the only reason you like the 5.56 is because you can now fit more ammo into the same space.

all you want for Christmas is the London Gun.

you have a big arsenal and you are proud of it.

you didn’t even smile when you read the words ‘big arsenal’.

you have a picture of the pope on your mantelpiece – beside Charleston Heston’s, which is in the centre.

to you, the Golden Rule is ‘rule .303’.

you think the selection of firearms in The Matrix was limited.

the smell of gun oil is an aphrodisiac.

you think ‘being considerate’ means buying your wife her own pair of noise-reducing earmuffs.

you can’t decide what was the happiest day of your life: when your first child was born or when you got a three-inch group with your Glock at 25 metres.

you find Schwarzenegger’s movies boring because you know they’ve used blanks.

you object to being called ‘a gun nut’ but you’re perfectly okay with ‘firearms nut’.

you think anyone who doesn’t load their own ammunition has no commitment.

you watch Angelina Jolie’s films for the handguns.

you tell your friends that you once saved Bruce Willis from five terrorists with a G38 on full automatic. One of them says, ‘I didn’t know you were in a movie’, and you reply, ‘Movie?’

Clint Eastwood asks you for your autograph.

the phrase ’12-gauge shotgun’ no longer excites you.

you think hollow-point bullets are environmentally friendly because they use less metal.

you like the song ‘Frankie and Johnny’ because any girl who can soak up the recoil of a .45 is your kind of woman.

you want a suit of armour, so you can wear a full metal jacket.

you give your wife earrings made from primers.

your favourite joke is Dr Evil’s quip (from the first ‘Austin Powers’ movie), ‘I like to see girls of that calibre.’

you hear a car backfire and think you recognise the make of rifle.

you can’t decide which of your firearms you’ll take to the range, so you take one of every kind.

you change your name to Tackleberry.

you believe that real men use Swedish Mausers.

while everyone else is mesmerised by the battle scenes in Saving Private Ryan, you notice the muzzle flashes, shake your head and mutter, ‘Undercharged’.

you get a group at 2 o’clock and berate yourself, ‘don’t pull; SQUEEZE!’

when your spouse or boss asks you, ‘Are you ready?’, you say nothing.

you receive a 21-gun salute at your wedding – but you aren’t in the military …

… and the salute is with cannons …

…. and you own every one of them.

you hear someone call ‘Pull!’; you lift your head to spot the target … and then recall you’re playing tug-of-war.

you’ve eaten a big meal, hold out your hand to your children and say ‘Pull my trigger.’

you are the only person to have ammunition designed by Wernher von Braun.

you unload a staple-gun when you’ve finished using it.

Colt manufactures a signature range of firearms – and it’s your signature.

you find short, sharp, loud noises soothing.

you hear the initials S.L.R. and don’t make any connection to photography.

you teach your kids about firearm safety using water pistols.

after a long day, you need to squeeze off a few rounds to relax.

you’re a lifetime member of Arsenal Football Club, although you aren’t English … and you hate soccer.

you have a vague idea that ‘Patch’ Adams was the Greek kid who used to keep tally at ‘A’ range on Saturday.

you own so many holsters, people assume that you’re just really into leather.

you paint the bonnet of your car matt black.

being able to explain the difference between a gun and a rifle gives you a warm glow that lasts all day.

you wake up at 3am to feed the baby. Ten minutes later, when the crying hasn’t stopped, you realise that gun oil is overflowing from the muzzle of your newest revolver.