NB If you seriously want to know what the symptoms of depression are, type ‘depression’ (and maybe ‘symptoms’) into the search bar and it will lead you to the article. TG.

* Given a choice, you’d have no preference between sex or a root canal.
* You list Dr Jack Kevorkian as a character reference.

(These two I borrowed from Blair from Oshawa, a fellow depression sufferer, because they are just_ so_ funny. All the following are mine though.)

* Eating healthfully means anything that doesn’t kill you within a month.
* You ate a Happy Meal and sued McDonald’s for false advertising.
* You and the Angel of Death are on a first-name basis.
* You think Marvin the paranoid android is too optimistic.
* Black cats avoid crossing your path.
* You aspire to be as cheerful as Puddleglum the Marshwiggle.
* When you call the Good Samaritans, they pretend you’ve got the wrong number.
* Psychologists give you a finder’s fee for every person you talk to.
* The first word your child utters is ‘Prozac’.
* Even the CIA can’t erase the number of the psychiatric help line from your memory.
* Your medication purchases give you so many frequent flyer points that the airline just gives you your own aircraft.

You’re so lethargic that
* compared to you, Rip van Winkle had insomnia.
* you cause road rage in snails.
* you can only dream to be as energetic as Eeyore.

Your personal hygiene is so bad that
* the World Heath Organisation considers you a biological weapon.
* the Health Department gives you a tattoo reading: use only in well-ventilated areas.
* you enter an elevator and everyone notices a bad smell – but no-one farted.
* you wither flowers at a distance of 10 metres.
* insurance companies include you in their exemption clauses.
* dung beetles call your house ‘Makeout point’.
* flies think you are God. They believe when they die they will spend eternity in your underwear.

At least you know that pharmaceutical companies care:
* every one of them includes your biography in their prospectus.
* all of their representatives keep a picture of you on their desk.
* when you get out of bed they call an emergency meeting of the shareholders.
* they call you a ‘loyal’ client.