My step-mother recently sent me an mp3: an excerpt from a speech. The speaker was giving an illustration – of what, who knows? – in which he highlighted the differences between octopodes and squid. This is my transcription, just like it sounded:

Now don’t confuse the squid with an octopus: it’s ten times larger than an octopus. An octopus is round where a squid is bullet-shaped, and it has ten testicles, not eight, and those last two can be much longer than the rest. And on those tentax– testicles, you’ll finds, uh, saucer disks, that have teeth in ’em, all rows. Now, when they grabs on to something, no matter how slimy it is, it’s not gettin’ away.

Either this speech needed to be proofread, or before long there will be a new aphrodisiac on the market, and decapods will be in danger of extinction. What the effect will be on the intake of marine biology students, I daren’t think.

However, it would explain why we never hear cephalopods sing in any register higher than bass-baritone.

Copyright 2007 Troy Grisgonelle.